It can be tricky finding the right fit. Trust me, I've wasted plenty of my time with coaches and therapists who just... didn't... get me.
You know you're in the wrong the place when you've just spent 45 minutes of your hour long session teaching them what kink/queer/poly/insert unconventional interest is.
While I'd like to say it isn't their fault, these things are actually pretty common topics. I strongly believe they should educate themselves! (Or at least not advertise that they're experienced in them).
But I get it; you're desperate to find someone! I bet you waited until you really felt like you couldn't handle this on your own to come for help. So why waste any more time?
Here are 5 Things To Consider When Choosing A Relationship Coach to see if they can help you. (These apply to therapists, too).
1. Do I feel I can I be honest with them?
Feeling at ease with someone enough that you can let your guard down, speak the truth, and not get the impression that you're being judged, is huge. Now, I'm not saying that it's easy to do these things. It could be that you're imagining that others judge you -and that is a great thing to bring up and address! But if it feels like you just can't open up with this person, it's probably not a good fit.
2. Do they listen and address my concerns?
One of the things I've heard as a complain from clients is that their previous coach or therapist only listened. "They just nod and write things down, and never actually give me feedback or ways to fix my problem!" Now, I'd like to say I'm surprised, but again -I've been in the same boat. Because of this, I've started a resource list for people who I've vetted as actually helpful and knowledgeable. (You'll have to message me for it because, just let them, you have to be vetted, too.) If they can interact with you and give you tools to help you grow, then you've found someone who's worth working with. If they just nod and listen, you might as well be talking to a wall.
3. After an initial consult, are they confident they can help you?
HEY! THIS IS IMPORTANT! Great, I've got your attention. CONFIDENCE IS KEY!! Your coach shouldn't be cocky, but they should be your cheerleader. You need them to believe in you and your ability to grow and heal so much that you also begin to believe. Part of the reason you're seeking help is that you've had some sort of experience that made you think you couldn't do this on your own. That you needed help or guidance. Thank you for taking this step, by the way! It is a brave one! You are awesome!! Now, that coach better be inspiring you. You might need to give them a few sessions (no more than three) to find out, but inspiration leads to actions which lead to change! You ready??
4. Do they hold you accountable?
This is HUGE! I don't think any of my clients would succeed if I didn't hold them accountable. I am here to hold a big mirror up and show them exactly what's going on, and instead of keeping them in their stagnant state, I give them actions that they can take to move forward every single session. I think there's always something to do to move forward. When you get past the initial "problem", there's something under that, too. It isn't always, "What broken thing do I need to fix?" It can also be, "This is great... but how can it be even better!?"
And yes, it can get EVEN BETTER. (I still surprise myself sometimes with how many new ways I can level up my love.)
5. Are you committed to letting them help you?
This should be something your coach should be asking you also; "Are you committed to actually growing? Changing your habits? Embracing a new life?" I realize change is scary, habits are hard to break, and growth is uncomfortable... Or is it? We tell ourselves these things and we stick ourselves in boxes of fear. We don't move forward because we stick with "the evil we know". (Okay, maybe not evil, but something familiar but unhealthy).
Your coach or therapist can only do so much. If you aren't making the decision to be open to help, it won't reach you.
However, if you can find a coach that inspires you, if you give them a chance, you will be pleasantly surprised at what you both can accomplish!